Goodbye For a While
by fatalxdesiresx
Summary: A Salex AU set after 3.11 - this is how I think things should've gone. Basically, Sean deploys to Iraq and over the course of his deployment him and Alex write back and forth to each other. With the exception of a couple chapters, the majority of them will be written in epistolary form. Feedback is appreciated!
1. Parting

_I deploy in two weeks._

The words echoed in Alex's head until that aforementioned day came. She wasn't exactly sure how she felt about all this. Her emotions were a complex mixture. Sean wanted to know how she felt about him leaving and she desperately wanted to tell him, but how could she tell him something even she herself couldn't understand?

She was angry, that was true. She was also sad and a part of her felt like she was being abandoned. Sean didn't intend for her to feel any of those emotions, especially not the being abandoned feeling. He'd never abandoned, not ever. He loved her and would always be there for her even if he wasn't actually there. Alex tried to be understanding, she really did. She knew Sean had never truly been a part of Division. He'd only stayed because of her and that meant the world to her. She wasn't good at showing emotions, let alone affection. Just because she doesn't show them does not mean she doesn't feel anything. Nikita was the only one she'd ever been remotely affectionate with.

As she stood beside Sean out in the crisp March air, Alex thought over how weird it would be without him around. She was just always used to him being there when she needed him. He'd be gone for a year, give or take a few months. Would she get used to his absence? If so, how long would it take for her to adjust? She was nervous but didn't want to show it.

Sean looked over and down at Alex, reaching his hand out and slipping it in hers, bringing her out of her reverie. She looked down and then up at Sean, trying to put on a smile for him. He could see she was struggling. She'd been struggling ever since he'd told her he was going to be deploying and joining his SEAL team again, albeit a couple new guys. He was going to ask if she was okay, but decided that'd be a stupid question. Of course she wasn't okay. He wasn't either. He looked cool and unperturbed on the outside, but on the inside he was a mess. He didn't want to leave her, but he couldn't just not go. He wasn't out of the SEALs yet and besides, being a SEAL is his life. He couldn't give it up. Not yet. And Alex understood the SEALs was his life and that Division was hers, not his. He also thought that a little time apart would help them. Distance makes the heart grow fonder, after all, doesn't it?

Sighing heavily, Sean stepped forward and then turned to stand in front of Alex, gazing down at her. He let go of her hand to lift his own and cup the side of her face for a moment. She looked up at him, meeting his eyes before having to look away, feeling the backs of her own eyes start to sting. She hated crying, especially in front of others. She always preferred to cry in private where she didn't have to hold back.

"Things will be fine," Sean said, stroking her cheek with his thumb. "You'll be fine. You'll get on perfectly without me," he added, his tone a bit sad. Sometimes he felt like he loved her more than she loved him. A lot of the time, actually. So he knew she'd do well without him.

"I wish you weren't going," she said, unsure of what else to say. She finally looked at him a few moments later, blinking her eyes a few times to clear her vision and keep the tears wanting to fall at bay. "I wish you were staying here with me. I know I don't - I know I'm terrible at showing affection sometimes, how much I need you - " she broke off, shaking her head and at a loss for words.

"Alex, you're a survivor. Besides, you'll have Nikita. She's always been there for you and she'll be here for you now. I had a talk with her, made her promise me she'd look after you. Look, I know you hate me going and I know you feel like I'm abandoning you. I'm not, I'm really not. This," he continued, gesturing around the base they were at, at the aircraft he was to board in a few minutes. "This is my life. I can't leave it yet. I've trained my whole life to be a SEAL. I've a few more years left in the service, then I can retire or find a desk job. Right now, I need to serve as best I can. I can't just sit around in Division and you know why. I'm not a part of your little group. No, it's okay," he added, when Alex opened her mouth to protest. Sean slid his hand down to her shoulder, cupping it. "You, Nikita, Michael and Birkhoff. You're the originals, in a way. I'm just a nuisance and you don't need me, but the _SEALs _need me and I can provide them with my service." He considered himself the odd man out, an intruder of the group. A wannabe. The others didn't even treat him like he belonged in Division and so he never felt like he belonged there. Only Alex had kept him rooted there for so long.

"Sean - " Alex struggled for words, hating that she didn't know what to say when so soon Sean would be gone. She wished she was good with words, exceptional. It was so hard to let someone you love know how much they meant to you. She started to panic, her rapid breathing and furrowed brows showing it.

Smiling, Sean leaned down and kissed her, cupping the back of her head. Alex instantly relaxed, letting herself fall against him. She slipped her arms around his back, holding onto him as she kissed him back. "This isn't goodbye," Sean said, pulling away and resting his forehead against hers, sliding his hand down to cup the side of her neck.

Alex rested her forehead against his, as well, closing her eyes. She smiled slightly, knowing this wasn't goodbye. She fought off any negative thoughts - like what if he got killed? Injured, maimed? - and tried to focus on their breathing, forcing hers to match his. "Just… come back to me, okay?" she asked, her voice weak.

Sean smiled at her words, moving his head so he could kiss her forehead. "I promise not to get into too much trouble," he said, keeping his lips pressed against her forehead after he spoke. He'd try his damned hardest to get back to her. One of his fears, though, was that when he was to return home that she might have moved on, found someone else. He couldn't stand the mere thought of losing her to someone else. But if he did get killed while in Iraq he'd want her to move on and be happy with whoever managed to do that.

"And write," Alex continued, pulling away to look up at him. "Promise you'll write as often as you can. I'll write, too. I might not have much of interest to say, but I'll try." Receiving letters, even emails from him would help her during his absence. Just anything of him would help her. She had a feeling as soon as she was back home she'd slip into one of his shirts, curl up and just spend all night thinking about him.

"I will write, and I will even call when I can," he said, smiling down at her. He sighed heavily again, sliding his hand back up to cup the side of her face to stroke her cheek with his thumb. "Take care of yourself, Alex."

"You, too," she said, frowning. She didn't look around them, but she could see the blurry silhouettes of people hurrying around to get where they were going. She sensed it was almost time for the men to leave. She realized then that she was clinging to him, her hand grasping onto his uniform.

"Pierce!" someone shouted, causing both Sean and Alex to look around. One of Sean's buddies was waving him over, letting him know it was time to go. Sean turned back to face Alex, not expecting to see the heartbreaking look on her face. He hated to see her look so sad, and it was even kind of sick that she looked really beautiful to him - more beautiful, really - when she heartbroken or even crying. It didn't seem right.

"Hey," he said, his voice firm. He gripped the side of her face and gazed intently into her eyes, a smile slowly forming on his face. "Everything's gonna be all right. I'll be back before you know it. Deployments like these, people always dread them and think they're going to last forever - but time occasionally flies by as long as you don't dwell on everything. I promise you I will write as often as I can. Just don't forget about me, okay?" he added, joking just a bit.

His tease succeeded. Alex laughed a bit, even smiled and nodded. She sincerely hoped he was right. That their time apart would come to an end soon and he'd come back to her in one piece. "I could never forget about you," she said, smiling earnestly. She lifted her hand, placing it on his wrist and giving it an affectionate squeeze.

"Come here," Sean said, sighing as he pulled her in for a hug. He set his bag down and wrapped both his arms around her, hugging her tightly. He buried his face into her neck first for a few moments, and then pulled away to kiss the side of her head before cupping the back of her head with one hand. He could feel her clinging to him, unwilling to let him go. He couldn't blame her. He was clinging onto her as well, dreading being separated from her for such a long period of time. But this was something he had to do. He felt he had to do it, get back to where part of him belonged. It was hard. He didn't belong in Division, but Alex did - at least for now. She certainly didn't belong in Iraq with him. He didn't want her anywhere near there. "Listen to me," he continued, turning his head so his lips were close to her ear. By the way her body tensed, he knew he had her full attention. Her fingers were gripping his uniform again. "I love you. Remember that. Someone once told me that the ones we love never leave us. They remain in our hearts. You're in mine. Keep me in yours and you'll be okay. You're strong, Alex. You're the strongest person I know, okay? I'll be back soon." He sighed again, lifting his head to press a kiss to the side of her head again, letting his lips linger on her hair for several moments. He inhaled the scent of her as he lowered his head again, burying his face into her neck. He wanted to remember everything about this moment; how she smelled, how she felt, how they were holding each other. He'd soon forget how it felt to hold her and be held by her.

When he heard his name called again, Sean finally pulled away from Alex and smiled encouragingly at her. He cupped the side of her face again, starting to pull away when she grabbed him by the hand and yanked him back towards her. She quickly brought her hands up to cup his face between them, leaning in and crushing her lips against his. She kissed him fiercely, exactly like someone who wasn't going to be seeing the love of her life for a very, very long time. She relished the kiss, the passion of it. That was one of the things she'd always wanted. Passion. And Sean gave it to her. She did love him, but she was afraid to say it. Every time she fell in love that person left her. She was afraid of losing Sean so much, so she never said those three big words.

Pulling away, Sean smiled and caressed her cheek with the back of his hand, smiling. "My girl," he said, his voice low. Alex smiled, a happy smile but the happiness didn't entirely reach her eyes. There was more sadness than joy in them.

Kissing her on the forehead one last time, Sean then picked up his bag and then finally walked towards the aircraft. He felt like he was walking through sand, his footsteps heavy and slow. He stood tall, his face stern as he got closer and closer to his buddy. He patted him on the back, gesturing for Mike to go on in first and that he'd follow. Once the other guy was on the aircraft, Sean took a few steps and then turned around to look at Alex. She was far away now, but he could still see her as if she was right in front of him. He nodded at her, placing his hand above where his heart was, smiled, and then turned and stepped up into the aircraft that would take him and the other SEALs to the base in Iraq. He was excited to finally be going, but at the same time his heart was breaking over Alex. It hurt even more as he sat down and strapped himself in for take-off. This wasn't a regular civilian aircraft. There were no window seats, so he couldn't look out the window at her. He closed his eyes, however, picturing her in his mind as he felt the aircraft start to move, and then soon they were in the air.

On the ground, Alex joined the other people who'd said goodbye to loved ones, watching the aircraft take off. She remained even after everyone had left, staring at the empty sky as if the aircraft Sean was on was just hovering in the air. It finally sunk in. _He was gone._ Soon he was going to be with friends, be in a place where he truly belonged. Without her. She felt her whole world collapse around her and almost wanted to sink to the ground. She held herself together, though. For some reason she had thought this was all a bad dream, that she'd wake up or Sean would say, _Surprise! Just kidding. I'm not really deploying. _This - all of this - it was really happening. He wasn't here anymore. She'd go home and get in an empty bed. She'd wake up alone. She was starting to realize she'd taken him a bit for granted, just - she had just always expected him to be here with her. She had a lot of adjusting to do in the months to come.


	2. March

_March 12__th__, 2013_

_Dear Alex, _

_I wanted to wait a while and get settled in before I wrote to you. I didn't want the first letter you received to be boring, uninteresting. And I'm glad I waited. I have a lot to tell you. Hopefully you won't get too sick of my story before I finish, hah._

_Anyway, my first day here was great. I hate to say it, but it's been amazing to be back with the guys. I miss you a lot, I really do. I fall asleep thinking of you and you're the first thing I think about when I wake up. Being with the guys, being busy with patrols - it keeps my mind off you at times. But I still think of you even when I'm out on the streets of Fallujah. It reminds me of you, in a way. It's a damaged city, full of sorrow and struggle in some places. Yet the city and its inhabitants always find a way to rebuild themselves. They're strong like you._

_I was in the city just the other day with a few of the other men in my group. We and a few other Marines were helping rebuild a mosque. There are dozens of mosques around here and yet the people keep rebuilding and rebuilding. I suppose religion is a good thing. Sometimes it's the only thing that gets us through life when we've lost all hope. It keeps us from going off the deep end. Anyway, we've gotten to know some locals. They're all nice, curious about us and where we come from. Of course, a lot of us are wary to reveal too much. We can't give the people here our complete trust. We have loved ones back home - you, for example - that we don't want to put in danger, so we give vague answers, but satisfying enough. _

_On the other hand, as wonderful as it is here sometimes, it's also dangerous. Well, obviously. Not everyone welcomes us, as you can imagine. We encounter hostiles every other time we go out. Some of the guys are nervous, especially the new ones or the ones who now have families. Like Toby. His wife just had their first child and he wasn't there for the birth. He was never afraid before, but now he is. He doesn't want to die. He wants to see his kid, watch him walk, grow up. I don't blame him, so I watch his back as best I can and I've promised to get him back home. We carry extra weapons, just to be careful. I have a knife and a gun and so do most of the other guys. _

_When we're not out in the city socializing or helping rebuild mosques, we stay inside the compound and just hang out. We've turned part of our section into a bar of sorts. We managed to find someone who'd supply us with American beer and other alcohol. One of the guys in my group works part-time as a construction worker for his wife's brother-in-law, so he and one other guy, Charlie, designed a pool table. Finished it in less than a week. We've done our best to make ourselves feel at home, but on occasion it gets to us. Being this far away from our loved ones. _

_I miss you. I hope you miss me. I'll write soon, let you know what's going on now and then. I can't be too specific. Don't want to say too much and get into trouble with my superiors. _

_Love,_

_Sean_

_March 20__th__, 2013_

_Dear Sean,_

_I'm glad you're doing all right. I won't lie, when I didn't receive any word from you for about a week and a half, I began to worry. I keep reminding myself it takes a while for the mail to get to either of us. I hate the wait, always biting my nails and giving myself unwarranted anxiety attacks. I guess I'm just a mess, like you so eloquently described in your letter. _

_I've been trying to be strong for you, I have. I haven't gone to Nikita much, though. She's so busy with Michael that I don't want to give her any more troubles than she already has. I talk to Birkhoff, though. And on occasion Sonya. They listen. Sonya gives me good advice while Birkhoff is a smartass, as usual, but in the end he comes out sounding like Yoda and I always appreciate what he has to say. _

_I sort of envy you being so close with your comrades. It sounds like you have a lot of fun. I wish I could be there with you. I won't bother to say I wish you were here with me. I know I can't change that. I won't lie, I'm still a little bitter but I'm getting past that. I just miss you more than ever. It's weird, not having you around all the time. I wake up every morning and reach over to your side of the bed, expecting to find you there. I'd get a dog to keep my company, but you know that'd never work out what with being Division._

_What exactly are the people like? The ones that you've all befriended while helping rebuild the mosque? And do you any of you go to the mosques or have found a church to go to? Well, that's a stupid question, I guess. I'm sure there's a chapel in your compound. There usually is, isn't there?_

_I'm sorry for such trivial talk. I just - I'm not good with talking about myself or even my feelings. You know that better than anyone. Every time I do try to explain my feelings what I say is always so negative. But know this - I do miss you. More than you think._

_I've spent a couple days writing this letter, just so I have a little more to tell you. I went on a mission with Nikita the other day. It was fun, if you can believe that. I mean, it's been so long since it's been just the two of us. I've missed missions like that, us girls, you know? I've missed Nikita. I feel like, even though you're hundreds of thousands of miles away you're still closer to me than when Nikita is standing right next to me. I know she's burdened. I'm trying not to sound selfish, but I crave her attention? I must sound like a child right now as you read this. _

_I'll write to you again soon. Hopefully I'll have more to tell you next time I write. To be honest, I find your letters more interesting, so I'd rather read all about you, talk all about you. I want to know more about this part of your life, the SEALs._

_I miss you and think of you all the time…_

_Love, _

_Alex_


	3. April I

_April 2nd_

_Dear Alex, _

_It's been a busy week. I've been on patrols every night. Boring and busy at the same time. The guys and I train with the Marines, keeping in shape and keeping ourselves from going crazy. When we're not training we're either helping out with the mosque, playing pool, or helping out locals. I'm making us sound like saints, aren't I? I wish I could tell you everything we're doing, but I can't. I've seen a lot of shit so far, stuff I would've rather not seen. I can't really say any more, not unless I want to get court-martialed. Dereliction of duty and all that, I'm sure they'd claim. _

_I met a little girl the other day, fourteen. Her name is Amira and she might have the slightest crush on me. Don't worry, though. She's not my type, though she might be in about ten years. Just kidding. She reminded me of you, ironically. If you don't know, Amira means 'princess.' But that's not the only reason she reminded me of you. She's stubborn like you, sure of herself. She's rather sarcastic, too. She put a few of the guys to shame, which made them love her even more. Most of her family were killed during the Second Battle. She was 5 at the time, I think. She's a survivor, like you. Her only living relative is a shop owner. He's a stern guy, kind of scary sometimes, but he's not entirely bad. No one here is. Not yet._

_Onto brighter things, yeah? How have you been since we last wrote each other? Knowing you, I'm sure dozens of events have taken place in the past two or three weeks. I hope you're doing well, spending time with Nikita. I know how much you love her and need her, even if you won't admit it. _

_Late at night I think back on when we first met. How we __**loathed**__ each other. It makes me laugh, thinking how far we evolved. I called you a traitor then you hit me with your phone. It was the phone, right? I can still feel it. I found your stubbornness and pride rather charming, I don't know if I told you that._

_I wish I could write more, but it's late and dark and I don't want to waste this light. I'll try to write as much as possible in the coming week. Some politicians are arriving in a few days and some of us are being assigned to help guard them. I'll keep you up to date with what's going on, with me and everything around me. _

_April 10__th_

_Dear Sean, _

_I'm glad you're keeping busy. I have a feeling you love working your ass off – then again, who doesn't? You know I like to work hard, push myself. Of course, I usually do it to avoid my feelings. Which, again, you're well aware of. That's one of the things that scares me. You know me so well and no one else ever has, aside from Nikita. There are so many things I wish I had told you. That's why I'm telling you now, I guess. I was afraid to tell you things because of your reaction, your face. I can't handle being judged by you. This way, by letters, is easier, at least for me. I mean, I still fret about your reaction, but I feel slightly more at ease. _

_You're such an ass. I'm shaking my head at you right now. I'm glad you've befriended Amira, though. A girl like that, someone who's lost most of her family… she needs someone, trust me. Look after her for me. And make sure the other guys behave. If they don't, tell them your assassin girlfriend is going to kick their ass. Hoes before bros, remember?_

_I've been fine, Sean. Really. I mean, I'm still struggling. Now and then, when I'm alone in our apartment, I start to turn around to say something to you and then I remember you're not here. Do you know when or if you'll ever get to go on leave? I miss you. _

_I rescued a dog the other day. I didn't keep her. I wanted to, but I couldn't. I found a good home for her. This family with three sons that live in our building wanted the dog, but I wasn't going to give a dog not even one yet to three little boys, especially when they're such brats. There's this girl on the first floor. She's new, moved in a while after you left. I've seen her around; she looks so lonely. Kind of like I used to be, then I met you. I gave the dog to her. She loves her. She named the dog Molly. I talk to her now and then, try to keep her company. She's improved so much since I gave her the dog. I'm kind of jealous. It took me a long time to become happy. I guess –_

_This is something else I've been afraid to tell you, to tell even Nikita. She probably knows, but I don't know. Nikita doesn't always let on. She keeps things hidden, from me and from others. She holds things in like I do. Anyway, what I was going to say was that… one thing I'm afraid – one thing I've always been afraid of is getting close to someone. Getting happy. Every time I become happy, think I have my life in order – every time I come close to that something happens and that happiness gets taken away from me. _

_I push you away. I know it and you know it. I know you've been trying to figure out my deal. Well, there it is. It's you. I'm afraid of losing you. Every time I'm happy, every time – it's like there's something in the universe that says I can't be happy. Emotional distance is my thing, remember? I'm trying to get past that, I am. The first step is to acknowledge my fears, then talk about them. I'm trying to do that. And oh, do I have a lot of fears._

_I won't bombard you with everything in this letter. I'll share more soon. Be safe, okay? _

_Love,_

_Alex_


	4. April II

April 20th

Dear Alex,

I'd tell you not to push yourself too hard, but you never really listen to me, now do you? Kidding, kidding. You can stop scowling at me as you read this. I've been looking after Amira, for you and for myself. She's a sweet girl. I've told her about you. Not everything, just – what I love about you and your little quirks and habits and all that. I can never tell the other guys about you, at least not the single ones. They don't understand. But the married ones – they get it. They get me missing you, dreaming about you, thinking of how soon I can see you.

As for when I can go on shore leave, I'm not sure. I've only been here close to three months. After six months I'm sure I can get leave to come visit you. If you're worrying, don't. Time will go by fast. Just -… busy yourself like you usually do. I'll try calling you this weekend. One of the guys here has a webcam, I'm sure Nerd over there can manage to hack it and give us some face time.

You should've kept the dog! It's been a long, long time since I've had a dog. Last time was when I was a little kid. I got so attached to Bear that, when we had to put her down, I just – I couldn't get another one. Well, we couldn't because we'd all gotten attached to her. It's so easy to fall in love with animals. They're never just pets. They become family. Maybe when I come back we can get a dog. I can see you as a dog lover. You can have your own little baby. Mommy's girl. I don't know if I'll be willing to compete for attention, though, heh.

Also, there's something I need to forewarn you about. In a couple weeks – well, I can't really go into details, but in a couple weeks and for an indeterminate amount of time I might not be able to reply to your letters. It's nothing to worry about. Just a job. I'll be careful, though, don't worry. I can hear your voice in my head, reproaching me and warning me to be careful. I always am. I want to return to you, see you. Every choice I make is because of you.

I'll talk to you soon.

Love,

Sean

April 25th

Dear Sean,

I'd like to see Amira. See both of you. If you ever get the chance, have one of the other guys take a photo of you. Thank you for looking after her, though I'm sorry if it intervenes with your SEAL work. You're good at multi-tasking, though. It's funny that you confide to Amira about me since I confide to Birkhoff about you. He's not always thrilled to talk about such girly stuff, but I think he senses how much I miss you, so he puts up with me. I'd talk to Nikita, but… well, I don't want to burden you with our problems.

I'm sorry to hear about your dog, but getting one of our own – it sounds pretty nice. I would get a dog if it weren't for Division. Having a canine companion would be nice. And you'd never have to compete for attention between a dog, I promise (winking at you). I'm surprised you guys haven't adopted a dog over there yet. I've read a lot of stories about soldiers who find dogs and adopt them, make them part of the team.

I was really hoping you could come back soon, but I should've known better. If I, we, can survive these three months apart, then we can make it through another three. By the way, if you tell me NOT to worry, I'm going to worry. Try reverse psychology, love. However long it takes… I'll wait. I'll always wait for you. I just might try talking Birkhoff into doing that. He and his magic fingers can do anything if given an incentive. Food is usually his incentive. Or new hardware.

As for this mission of yours… I know it's a stupid thing to say considering your profession – and mine, actually - and you've already told me not to say it, but be careful. We both risk our lives every day. I know you sometimes think I don't care about my life; that I'm asking for death sometimes. Maybe I am. I don't really know anymore. Anger and hatred drove me for a long time and then I met you. In my own twisted way, it's love that drives me, but it's also fear that drives me. I can't really explain it. My thoughts are too jumbled. I don't mean to push, risk my life. But I'd risk my life for you like I know you'd risk your life for me.

I'll write. I'll wait. I'll be here.

Love,

Alex


	5. May

May 5th

Dear Alex,

Here you go. Three photos, 'cause you're special. One of Amira and me; me and the guys; and finally just me. I figured you'd enjoy this shot of me wet and half naked. It was hot, give me a break, and our uniforms feel like they weigh a hundred pounds. I swear, they get thicker and heavier. I'm starting to wonder if the government is trying to kill us by smothering us in our uniforms. It can get up to 120, sometimes even 130 degrees here. More than one guy has gone crazy from the heat, done things. I've yet to lose it. Not sure if that's good or bad. But I have you to keep me grounded.

It's funny you mention adopting a dog. We have since I last wrote you. His name is Rex. It was either that or Crab, and Rex sounded better. Honestly, these guys I work with – no idea how to come up with decent pet names; I'm ashamed. Anyway, Rex is a border collie. Brown, black and some white in his fur. He's a handsome animal, and friendly when he wants to be. He's good for slow days on the base. Whenever I go for my morning run, he's always right on my heels.

Yeah, yeah. The whole reverse psychology thing. Okay, do NOT worry about me. Go out, have fun, flirt, get drunk. I'll be perfectly fine. Party it up with Nikita, get that stick out of her ass. Or rather, get out the stick that's in Michael's ass. Y'all are too serious. The key to living is to remember to have fun and laugh. Life's too short to take things too seriously. It's the little moments that count.

I'll write you again before I leave, I promise. I look forward to these letters almost as much, perhaps more than you do. I love you, Alex. I hope you know that. I'll see you soon. You're always going to be my girl.

Love,

Sean

May 11th

Dear Sean,

Oh, Amira is so pretty. And none of the other guys in your platoon are as handsome as you. By the way, I thank you oh so much for the wet and shirtless photo. It's helped me through many a lonely night. Heat can certainly make people do drastic, out of character things. Not just heat, though. People are capable of anything when pushed to their limit. I know from experience.

Rex is definitely a better name than Crab. He sounds like a beautiful dog. I hope he doesn't get too attached to you. What will happen to him when you guys come back? I mean, will he stay in Fallujah or will one of you bring him back to the States with you? I hate to think of poor Rex on his own again after all you guys took him in and sheltered him.

You're such an ass. You're lucky I don't always share what you write with Michael or Nikita. Michael would just give you his usual smoldering glare, but Nikita would probably track you down and kick your ass. And I'd stand by laughing. I'd eventually step in and help you, don't worry. But I'll take that advice. _Some_ of it. You're right. Life is too short. We ought to have fun. It's hard, though. Division -… it's like a cancer. I feel suffocated here. I've… I've been thinking of leaving lately, to be honest. I haven't told anyone that yet, not Nikita or Birkhoff. I have been contemplating life outside Division lately. Life with you. I mean, how long can I go on by Nikita's side? She's been hiding stuff from us all. Just like Percy did and I don't like it. I took a bullet for her and almost died. I love Nikita, but I don't think I'm willing to die for her. We're different people now. We're not the same as when we first met.

Anyway. I'm sorry I always ramble on about Nikita, but she's been the biggest part of my life these past two years or so. She's had a big influence. It's hard to let go of her, but I try to remind myself that she'd want me to be happy. She would, wouldn't she?

And Sean, these letters are always the highlight of my days, my weeks. Everything. I don't know what I'd do without you.

Love, Alex

May 21st

Dear Alex,

I leave soon, so I'm attempting to write as much as I can remember before I have to go. We're not sure what will happen to Rex. We'll take it up with our C.O. I'm sure one of us will get to bring him home, but I'm not entirely sure. He's a good dog, and clean, too. We've made sure he's healthy. Sometimes I think we treat him better than we treat ourselves. Funny how that works out.

Are you serious? You've… thought about leaving Division? Leading life away from all that, from Nikita? If you are serious, when we get back there's something we need to talk about. Something that's been on my mind since coming here.

As for Nikita, she's complex. She's a lot of things. I don't pretend to understand her. I don't think anyone truly understands her, not even Michael. Just talk to her. Bring all this up with her, and if she gets angry and says it's none of your business, remind her that you are there fighting with her and putting your life on the line for her. Tell her she owes you the truth. If she can't let you go, doesn't want you to be happy or doesn't seem happy at the idea of you being happy, then she's selfish and deserves whatever she gets. She doesn't control you, Alex. Yes, she saved your life. She has multiple times. She's saved mine, too. She's saved Ryan, Birkhoff and Owen as well. She's saved all of our lives and we've all repaid her. You more than anyone. You owe her nothing anymore, Alex.

I have to go, but I'll write as soon as I can. I love you.

Sean


	6. June - July - August

**June 5****th**** -** **Letter One**

Dear Sean, I feel kind of foolish for writing to you since you said you wouldn't be able to reply for a while. However, you also did say for me to write you nonetheless. So I'm writing you. It's been a couple weeks since our last correspondence and it's painful, to be honest. People don't appreciate letters anymore. I hadn't realized until now how romantic they were, how much I cherished the letters I got from you and just how eager I always am to find one in my mailbox. Not getting anything from you… I'm trying not to worry. I can go a little overboard sometimes, exaggerate and make things seem worse than they really are. I'm trying not to do that.

But deep down in my bones, I know you're okay. If you weren't, I'd feel it. I read somewhere that when you're in love or if you're just really connected to a certain person that you can feel their pain, or you can sense when or if they're dead. I wish I could remember what people called that belief. I read it at a random time so long ago. It'll come to me, I'm sure. Or sometime in the future I'll stumble across that theory again.

Love, Alex

**June 12****th**** - Letter Two **

Dear Sean, I had a nightmare the other night. It was about you. I dreamt you got shot. It was just – there was so much chaos, so much blood. So much blood. I've barely slept these past few nights. I've actually stayed overnight in Division a few times instead of at our apartment. Our apartment. It's so lonely without you. So quiet. I don't like quiet. Not anymore. I think too much when it's quiet and me thinking too much isn't always a good thing, you know? God, I hope you're okay.

Love, Alex

**June 28****th**** – Letter Three**

Dear Sean, I finally confided to Nikita. I've been growing more and more annoyed with her and we've been fighting more and more. We just – we don't see eye to eye anymore, I don't think. I just, I couldn't take it anymore, the way she's acting. I yelled at her for the first time in a long time and I think she saw my frustration, my struggles. We had a little girl time last night and I finally opened up to her. I told her about our letters and also that it's been close to a month since we've last written. She gave me her usual speech. Be strong, Alex. You're a survivor. She also said you can take care of yourself and can get through anything. I hope she's right.

Love, Alex

**July 10****th**** – Letter Four**

I got a bad feeling the other day, Sean. A really bad feeling. I felt like I'd been shot in the chest. Again. And my head hurt, too. I also felt a bit suffocated. I'm worried. Are you okay, wherever you are? You're probably not even going to see these letters.

I've been pushing myself harder at 'work.' Nikita's noticed. Everyone has. Even Michael who's basically ignored my existence for over a year. Sometimes I hate everyone around me. I sometimes even hate myself. And it's times like these when I realize who the one person is that I don't hate, that, I in fact…

I'm holding on, Sean. You hang on, too.

Love, Alex

**July 22****nd**** – Letter Five**

I got curious the other night and did some research. I was a bit disappointed to find there is no saint or Navy SEALs. You guys should have your own. I mean, the military does, so do cops and other emergency personnel. Or are you guys that cocky?

Anyway, I did some research on military saints and came up with a lot of results. St. Michael is the patron saint of all those in the armed forces. And the prayer to him goes a little something like this:

_Saint Michael, the Archangel_

_defend us in battle._

_Be our protection_

_against the wickedness and snares of the devil._

_May God rebuke him we humbly pray,_

_and do thou, or Prince of the Heavenly Host,_

_by the power of God,_

_cast into hell satan and all evil spirits_

_who prowl about the world_

_seeking the ruin of souls. Amen._

I've been praying that every night with you in mind. You and your SEAL mates. I know you'd want me to pray for them, too. And I've never been the praying type, Sean.

Love, Alex

**August 25****th**** – Letter Six**

I don't even know where to begin. How to begin. So much has happened. So. Much. I'm afraid to write it all down on this piece of paper, afraid if I do then all of this will be real. Right now everything seems so surreal. I don't know what happened. I just – things got so out of control, Sean. I need you. I miss you. I… can feel you're alive and well. Those feelings of dread, of pain? They're gone, well, duller.

When you write back you can be sure I'll have a lot of interesting things to share with you.

Love, Alex.


	7. October

**_October 10th_**

Dear Alex,

I've gotten and read all your letters, multiple times, in fact. I'm so sorry for not writing sooner, but I wanted to wait and... well, I just wanted to wait for a certain reason before writing you back and now I have. I'm okay. Everything here is okay and I actually have good news. I wish I could tell you what I've been up to for the past few months, but I can't. Confidential and all that, you know? I promise to tell you as much as I can when we're face to face, though. I could never keep anything from you. But before I share the good news, your series of letters.

What happened? Are _you_ okay? Nikita? Michael? Ryan? I know you and you sounded distressed in those letters and I know you don't get distressed easily or without good reason. I wish I could hold you, wrap my arms around you and comfort you. You've no idea just how much I wish I could feel your body against mine. Whatever's going on Alex, everything will turn out okay. It may seem dark now, but there's always a solution somewhere. A remedy. You just have to hang in there until I'm home. Once I'm back, I'll do whatever I can to help you. As long as I'm around, you'll never be alone, babe. We've been through a lot, the two of us. A lot more than most people. You know I will always have your back. Never, ever doubt that, okay? You're my girl, I love you.

The good news I have to share is that I'll be coming home. Very soon. I'll be arriving in Virginia next week and then I'll catch a flight to you. You just need to be there at the right time. I'm including my schedule so you know where to go. I can't wait to see you. And I promise, as soon as we're settled in we'll talk for however long about whatever you want. I'd talk about anything just to hear your voice. 'm ashamed to say that the sound of your voice has almost faded from my memory.

See you soon.

Love, Sean.

**_October 17th_**

Dear Sean,

I'm so relieved to receive a letter, to know that you're okay. I've been expecting to get a call or letter informing me of your death, so when I saw this envelope and saw your familiar handwriting, I fell to my knees. I don't understand why you didn't write me sooner, but I'm willing to wait and here you're reasons. I trust you to tell me, be honest with me.

I'm a bit better since I last wrote you. Michael's been helping, and so have Ryan, Sonya and Birkhoff. There's – there's a lot you need to know. About Division, about Nikita and Owen. About me. Even about Amanda. Telling you here in this letter would be easier for me, but it wouldn't be fair to you and I don't want to give you extra concerns when you're close to coming home, so I'm going to wait and tell you everything face to face.

I've come to realize in your absence that I have a tendency to keep my feelings bottled inside, even suppress them and ignore them until they're so deeply festered inside me that they turn to poison, coursing through my veins and turning everything I feel into bitterness. I need to be more open and I need to be more open with you. I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry. And I know that you'll always have my back. We have been through a lot and we have managed to survive. I honestly don't know what I'd do without you. I don't know what I'd do if I lost you and it hurts to think about it. I don't want to think about it. I need you. I'll always need you.

I've read over your schedule and the instructions and everything is already planned. I'll be there. I can't wait to see you, I really can't. I've got your back.

Love, Alex


	8. Reunion

He spent most of the flight in contemplative silence, only half listening to his friend and fellow SEAL mate beside him go on and on about something. Sean thought of Alex, how they'd react to seeing each other after almost eight months apart. Some other couples and families had it worse. Some went a year or more without seeing each other. With only two weeks of leave, he'd make sure they spent as much time as possible together. His only worry was Division. That place always drew you in.

Finally getting off the second plane, Sean stretched cautiously, being careful of his arm. He didn't have to wear a sling anymore, but it was still sore. The airport was crowded, more than it usually was. He saw a lot of men in uniform, such as himself, a few he recognized from reputation, a few from personal acquaintance. He nodded and saluted to a few of them before focusing his attention on the people surrounding him.

He didn't see her at first, and his heart dropped. Had she not shown up? No, she'd been adamant in her letters about being here, about missing him. Still, a part of him was thinking the worst. What if something happened after their last letter? Several minutes passed and he still didn't see her anywhere, but then finally someone moved and Sean's breath caught in his throat.

Alex stretched as far as she could, looking over people's heads and shoulders for Sean. The airport was annoyingly packed and people were being rude and bumping into her and cutting in front of her. She was about to go stand somewhere else when a man in front of her moved to the side and then she saw him. She swayed slightly, needing someone to pinch her to let her know he was really standing only a few feet in front of her.

Slowly, a smile start to spread across her features and she ran forward, jumping into his arms. She wrapped her legs around his waist and her arms around his shoulders, burying her face into the side of his neck. The backs of her eyes began to sting as Sean put his arms around her and buried his face into her shoulder, holding her tightly against him. The people around them stared at them for a few moments, some smiling happily, some sadly. Neither was ready to let the other go, so they remained embracing in the middle of arrivals, people stepping around them.

Alex slowly and reluctantly pulled away to look at Sean, and he set her down on the ground. Smiling, his own eyes a bit misty, he lifted a hand and ran it over her hair and then brushed her cheek before cupping the side of her face. After what had happened, he'd feared he'd never see her again. Just as he thought that, Alex frowned as she looked him over. She brought her own hand up and brushed her fingertips over his temple, inspecting the still healing scars from the mortar attack.

"Mortar," he explained, his eyes closing briefly and then opening again at her touch. "Happened during our silence. I didn't want to tell you. I didn't want you to worry. I got shot, too" he added, rolling his left shoulder where he'd gotten a bullet. "I'm okay, though. Better. Trust me. I'm just glad to see you."

Alex frowned even more at hearing about the mortar attack and him getting shot. She was mad that he had kept both events from her, but a part of her understood. In retrospect, she probably would have done the same thing. She had, actually. She'd been keeping a lot of major news from hin. Instead of telling him everything right away, she decided to wait. She didn't want to ruin the moment. "I'll chide you later," she said, and then leaned in and crushed her lips against his.

Cupping the back of her head, Sean kissed her back, and eagerly. Going eight months, give or take a few weeks, without seeing her or kissing her or even touching her had been hell. Now that they were finally together, he wasn't going to waste a single moment. "What do you say we get out of here and go somewhere more private?" he asked, and when she smiled and nodded he pressed his forehead against her's. He smiled himself, closing his eyes. Alex placed her hands on his chest, her eyes closed as well as she savored the moment. She tilted her head slightly before finally pulling away.

He slipped his arm around her and followed her out of the arrivals section, picked up his bags as quickly as possible, and then exited the airport. It was a two hour drive back to her apartment, back to Division. Once they were on the road, Sean glanced over at Alex, asking the question whose answer he dreaded most. "So, how are things back in Division?"

Alex took a deep, nervous breath, chewing the inside of her left cheek. She'd hoped this conversation would've come later. Much later. Might as well get it over with, she thought. "Yeah, um, about Division," she began. She racked her brain for the right words to use. "You see, a lot happened while you were gone, Sean. Amanda, for instance." She glanced at Sean, who gestured for her to continue. "Its just -" she broke off, struggling with what to say. How could she tell him Amanda had captured her, messed with her head? And that because of Amanda people were dead? Telling him that Division itself was dead was easy, but the rest... not so much. "Amanda had me for a while. A few days. She had Nikita, too. She messed with both our heads. I did things, Sean – I – I – people are dead because of me. I messed up."

"Alex," Sean began, sympathy and pain his voice at seeing her so distressed. He reached over and brushed the side of her head with the back of his fingers. "Whatever happened, it can't be your fault," he continued, trying to console her. The thought of Amanda around Alex, corrupting her mind – it angered him and made him wish he'd been here to save her. Keep her from harm.

"It is," she said, pressing her lips together. He saw her chin quiver, her eyes water. Tears streamed down her face. She let them fall, not saying anything for several minutes. She found comfort in Sean caressing her cheek, brushing her temple. It was soothing. After a while, she was finally able to talk again, get her crying under control. "Division's dead. For good this time. We blew it up." Alex turned to look at him, smiling slightly at the shocked look on Sean's face. "Don't tell me you miss it?" she asked, teasing him a bit.

"No," he said, laughing as he digested the news. "I mean, I'm a bit upset you guys blew up that hellhole without me, but hell am I glad it's gone." Sean grinned, and then just as quickly stopped smiling as he caressed Alex's cheek with the backs of his index and middle fingers. "It's really gone?" he asked, and she nodded.

"It's gone." Alex smiled, more happily this time despite her eyes still watering. It was like a burden had been lifted off her chest and shoulders. At the same time, it was weird to be free of Division. She'd made that place her life, for so long her goal had been revenge. Now what? What was she supposed to do? Being free, it felt weird. She had Sean, that she was thankful for.

"What about the others?" he asked. "Nikita, Michael, Ryan, Birkhoff, Sonya, Owen?"

Hesitating again, Alex inhaled and exhaled heavily as she focused on the road again. "Yeah, that's a bit more difficult to explain," she said, slowly. "You know how Owen's been trying to figure out what Amanda knows about his past, and that Nikita has been helping him with everything? Well, it turns out Owen is actually Sam Matthews. He left everyone. Just took off. A few months after that, Nikita left, too."

"What?" he asked, almost shouted. He didn't care about Owen, but he was curious about why Nikita left. "She left with Michael?"

"No. No, she left. She left all of us. Left Michael. She left the ring for him and just took off before any of us could stop her. She tracked down Owen – Sam, and I guess – I guess they're together now. Michael found her and Nikita rejected him. He came back devastated. He shut us all out. And – and Michael's dead, Sean."

This was even harder for Sean to process. Division being dead, that was easy. But Nikita with Owen and Michael dead? He didn't know where to begin. As he thought about it, though, he wasn't too surprised. He'd gone on missions with the two of them, had seen them interact. He had always sensed something between them. He remembered the way Owen had looked at her. It was hard to believe Michael was dead, though. "How? How did Michael die?"

"He took on more than he could handle," was all she said, gazing at Sean. It was hard for her to even think he was dead. With Nikita AWOL and Michael dead, she'd had no one she could really turn to. Until now. "He was bitter about Nikita and Owen and he just fell into a dark place."

Sean tried to remember that life was unpredictable, that not everything went the way you wanted or thought it would. It just didn't seem fair, though, that Michael was dead and that him and Alex and Nikita and Owen would get a happy ending. When it seemed that was all there was to share, Sean grew quiet and didn't ask anything more. He processed all the information, keeping his hand on Alex's shoulder for a while before finally dropping his hand and resting it on the glove compartment between their seats. Alex looked over at him and then down at his hand. Keeping her hand on the steering wheel, she reached her other down and slipped her hand in his. She gave it a squeeze and Sean looked up at her, smiling. He lifted her hand and kissed it, then set it back down again, keeping a hold of it as she drove.

Feeling her hand in his prevented Sean from completely zoning out, but it also made him more impatient to be alone with her. He also felt wrong to want to be alone and intimate with Alex, considering Michael was dead. That's proof that life is short and unpredictable, though. That no matter what you should appreciate every moment you have with the person you love, even make your own moments. Not only did he feel bad for wanting that, he also felt bad for what he wanted to ask her. Perhaps another time while he was here. When the timing was more right.

Having spent enough time in his own thoughts, Sean turned his head and gazed at Alex. He watched her for almost all the trip, smiling each time she glanced at him, smiling as well when she saw him watching her. A few times she even blushed. When they were finally home, they got out of the car and Sean grabbed his bag from the trunk, carrying it with his good arm and hurrying inside behind Alex.

Setting his bag on the floor, he sighed and looked around. He was glad to be back. He wanted to do a lot of things. Shower for as long as he could, sleep in an actual bed, eat decent food, and most of all – make love to Alex. "It's good to be back," he finally said.

Alex grinned and went over to him, slipping her arms around him and pressing herself against him. "What do you want to do first?" she asked, running her hands up and down his back.

"Hmm," he murmured, running his hands up and down her back, too, thinking over what he wanted to do first. He knew what he wanted to do first, actually, but he didn't want to seem like a pig.

"Food or sex first?" she asked, smirking at him.

Not even bothering to answer, Sean leaned forward and slid his hands down to the backs of her knees, gripping her legs and lifting her up, wrapping her legs around his waist. He ignored the slight pain in his arm and carried her into the bedroom, crushing his lips against hers. Without breaking the kiss, he set her down on the bed, on top of her as he kissed her. Alex reached down and pulled her shirt off, breaking their kissing as she pulled it over her head and tossed the blouse on the floor. Sean stripped his army jacket and shirt off as well, and then looked down at Alex.

"God, you're beautiful," he said, crawling back on the bed and lowering himself down. He pressed his lips against her abdomen, trailing kisses down along her torso. She tipped her head back, taking a deep breath as she shuddered from the sensation of his lips on her skin. Closing her eyes, she lifted her arms and placed them above her head, playing with her hair, a little smile on her face. "I've missed doing this," he continued, kissing up her torso now, then between her breasts. As he pulled himself further up, he slid his hands up her arms and kissed along her collarbone.

Taking a deep breath, Alex arched her back and tipped her head back more. She let go of her hair and grabbed the quilt under her, grasping onto it as she felt Sean kiss up her neck. Her breath caught in her throat, her chest rising and falling with heavy breaths. Her cheeks flushed with pleasure and it spread down to her neck and even to the deepest part of her bones. Unable to stand it any longer, Alex wrapped an arm around Sean and flipped them over.

Straddling his waist, she leaned down without hesitation and crushed her lips against his, taking his face between her hands for a few moments before reaching down and unzipping his pants, tugging them off along with his briefs. Sean placed his hands on her thighs and then ran them up along her body, feeling every curve of her before cupping her neck between his hands and deepening their kiss. He felt like they had more talking to do, but like hell if he was going to stop all this after being gone so long. He wanted her badly right now. He craved her and she craved him.

Alex pulled away from kissing him, tracing her fingertips along his brow-line for a moment. Smiling, she dipped her head and pressed a kiss to his eyebrow. Sean smiled and closed his eyes, wrapping his arms around Alex and holding her against him as she kissed over his scars from the mortar attack. He found it soothing and it made him love her even more. Trailing kisses down his cheek, Alex made her way back to his lips and sought out his tongue as she reached down and positioned his length inside of her, lifting herself up a bit to get him inside. Once she felt him inside her, she let out a breath and sighed into his mouth, sucking on his upper lip.

She dug her fingertips into his shoulders as she gyrated on top of him, still devouring him with a kiss. After a moment, when she began to lose her breath, she pulled away and tipped her head back. Sean placed his hands along her waist and lowered himself back down on the bed, gazing up at her. He ran his hand across her torso, then trailed both hands up to cup her breasts. When she leaned back, Sean slid one hand down between her breasts and then down along her abdomen before finally resting both hands along her waist again. He gripped her tightly, tipping back his own head as she started to move faster against him.

Flipping them over one last time, Sean placed his hand on her thigh and drew her leg up, pressing a kiss to her clavicle. He hovered his lips above hers, brushing them against each other as Alex tipped her head back and placed her hands in the middle of his back, digging her fingertips into his flesh. She drew her other leg up, her muscles tensed in anticipation. Sean brought one hand up and ran his fingers through her hair, twisting a thick strand of her brown hair around his hand before letting it go.

When they both climaxed, Sean remained on top of her, crawling back on the bed a bit to trail kisses down her torso. He kissed every part of her – the outline of her ribcage, her hips, her thighs, her knees, everything, and Alex relaxed there with a smile on her face, gazing down at Sean as she ran her fingers through his hair.

Stretching out beside her, he ran his hand up and down the curve of her waist. Alex watched him, her arm tucked underneath her head as she studied his face. As she gazed at him, reveling in his touch, something came back to her, something that's been on her mind for a while. Something she'd yet to tell him. She didn't feel afraid to say it anymore. "I love you," she said, resting her hand on the arm he had tucked underneath his head just like she did. "I've been afraid to say it," she continued. "Everyone I've ever loved has left me and I felt like if I said it to you that I'd end up losing you, and I didn't want that." She hadn't said the words until now, but she had shown how much she loved him. With looks, with touches. The little things. "I love you, Sean." She blinked several times and then looked down when her eyes began to sting.

Hearing those words from her, well, he really didn't think he'd ever hear them. He would've been okay with displays of affection, but he hadn't realized until now how important it was to actually hear it. When she looked down, Sean hooked a finger underneath her chin and lifted her head so their gazes met. "I love you, too, Alex." he said, smiling, and then leaned in to kiss her.

Alex moved closer to him and cupped the side of his face, kissing him eagerly for several moments before finally pulling away and slipping her arm under his, resting her cheek against his chest as she cuddled against him. Sean wrapped his arms around her and held her, running one hand over her hair as he kissed the top of her head. There was something he wanted to ask her and he almost did it right this second, but something stopped him. He was nervous, still afraid. A little while longer, he said to himself. Instead of saying anything, he held Alex until she fell asleep in his arms. Even after that he kept a hold of her, not wanting to let her go.

When morning came, Sean was laying on his back, staring at the ceiling while Alex was fast asleep beside him. She had her back to him, the sheet pulled up to her waist so he could see her bare upper body. He quietly rolled over onto his side and lightly ghosted his fingertips along her shoulders and down her arms, and then traced the pattern of her butterfly tattoo like he had those several months ago when he'd broken the news about his deployment.

Pushing himself up, Sean leaned over to check if Alex was still asleep, and satisfied she was he got up out of bed and grabbed his army jacket from the floor. He dug around in the pockets until he found what he was looking for. The box in his hand, he snuck back into bed and kissed the back of Alex's shoulder. The sun was shining brightly through the blinds of her bedroom, casting a warm glow in the room. It was perfect, he thought. Simple yet beautiful. When she began to stir, he set the box down in front of her and then lay back down on his side, watching her.

Several moments passed and then he recognized a change in her body. She was alert. Alex lifted the box and opened it, gasping softly as she saw the ring sitting between the padding. She gingerly traced her fingertips over the diamond, afraid she'd break it or something. Sitting up and turning to face Sean, she looked at him questioningly with a pained expression. A good pained expression.

"So? Will you marry me?" he asked her, sitting up. He placed his hand on the bed beside her legs, leaning close to her. He held his breath, waiting for her answer. What if she said no? What if it was too soon? What would happen between them if she said no? All these _what-if _scenarios ran through his head and drove him crazy.

Alex looked up at Sean and back down at the ring several times, her mouth opening and closing. Her answer was on the tip of her tongue, but why was it so hard for her to say it? Right when she finally opened her mouth to answer him, a knock at the door startled her. She sighed exasperatedly, still gazing at the ring. "I'll be right back," she finally said, deciding to answer the door after a third knock. She gave Sean quick kiss and then got out of bed, throwing on a pair of sweat pants and a shirt before going to answer the door. When she left, Sean groaned and fell back onto the bed, draping his arm across his face. He held the box in his other hand, snapping it shut as he heard Alex unlock the door.

Feeling horrible for just leaving Sean like that, Alex decided to get rid of whoever this was as fast as she could. When she opened the door, though, she stopped breathing for a second and stood there, shocked. She hadn't expected the woman before her to just show up out of the blue like this again, but she should've known better. "Nikita."

Nikita swallowed hard, trying not to flinch at the bitterness in Alex's voice, the cold stare. She told herself she deserved it. She'd abandoned them, even if she'd done it out of love. But now she was here and wanted to make amends. She didn't want any of them to remain in bitter, dark places. Not anymore. "Alex," she said, her tone more soft, apologetic. "We need to talk."


	9. Resolve

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** _This series I'm close to wrapping up, as well. I COULD end it with this chapter, but I won't. I'll try to work in two or three more chapters before wrapping everything up. Like with Owen and Nikita, I've thought about writing another series with Sean and Alex living normal lives. Any feedback on that idea is appreciated._

_Also, there is a bit of a surprise (or shocker, for some people maybe) regarding Alex and Michael. Since I used to ship Malex, I wanted to do something for them, no matter how brief it was._

_In the meantime, check out _Safe & Sound_, another Sean&Alex AU series inspired by the book and movie, Safe Haven :)_

* * *

Alex was torn between feeling bitter, angry, relieved, and happy. She was bitter and angry over Nikita leaving. Relieved that Nikita was okay. Happy that she was here. But she was also angry that she was here and wanting to explain herself. A part of Alex wanted to tell her to go the hell away, that she didn't want to hear any of her excuses. She'd just missed her so much, though. She considered Nikita family. She couldn't just turn her away. If their roles were reversed, Nikita would be understanding and wise, let her in to explain herself and make amends.

So that's what Alex did. Stepping to the side, Alex gestured for Nikita to come inside. Sean stepped out a moment later to grab a drink and Nikita invited him to sit down, too. It was a bit awkward, the three of them out here after all this time. Alex stared ahead, running her tongue over her teeth as Nikita spoke. She hanged on her every word, her eyebrows knitting in hurt a few times, in sadness. She set her jaw when she felt it quivering, tears wanting to spill down her cheeks.

What affected her the most was, _I will apologize for abandoning you, Alex. Everyone you've ever loved has left you. _How many times had she thought that exact thing? That everyone she had ever cared about, everyone who had ever cared about her – that they all left her in the end. Her father was killed by the woman sitting next to her. Thom, Nathan. Her mother had left but on Alex's insistence that she'd be safer far away from all this. Sean and Nikita had left her, too, but now here they were. They both came back. It was the ones who stayed, the ones who returned to you that cared the most.

Sean hadn't expected an apology and almost told Nikita he didn't want one, but he was curious about what she wanted to apologize for, what she'd say. "I'm sorry for not making you feel more welcome among us – made you feel like a part of the family you really were," Nikita said to him. "It's come to my attention that I neglected you as well. I'm sorry, Sean. And – and I'm sorry about your mother." At the mention of his mother, Sean looked down and took a deep breath. "She died because of me. A lot of people have died because of me. I never wanted that. I never wanted any of them, even your mother, to die for me. I'm so, so sorry. You deserved better, too."

He wouldn't deny it, he'd blamed Nikita for his mother's death, but he had also blamed himself for not being able to stop it, react faster. Everything he had said to Alex months ago about leaving Division had been partially influenced by those events, among others. He just had not wanted to see Alex risk her life for Nikita. To think Nikita's life was more important than her own. No one was truly worth dying for. Any bitter feelings he had held towards Nikita slowly faded and he smiled slightly at her. "Thank you," Sean finally said. "It means a lot, Niki."

After apologizing to Sean, Nikita looked back at Alex and found Alex gazing right back at her. "You've been the biggest influence in my life," Alex finally said. "Everything I've ever done for you I did without hesitation, without question. It's not easy for me to forgive you. You have no idea how much it hurt when you walked out on me, on us. I wish I could hate you, say that I don't and never will forgive you; but after everything we've been through -... I'll always forgive you Nikita, stupidly or not. You're like a sister to me." Alex pressed her lips together and looked down, wrapping one arm around herself and lifting her other hand to wipe the tears spilling down her cheeks. She sniffed and cleared her throat, getting control of herself. She hated breaking down in front of others. The only people she'd ever been comfortable showing her vulnerable side around were Sean and Nikita. Only they had seen her cry.

She looked down at Nikita's hand over her own. She didn't reach out at first, instead just gazed at the colored hand. Ever so slowly, Alex reached out and gingerly placed her fingertips on the back of her hand, and then she gripped it. Feeling a tear stream down her face, Alex leaned in and threw her arms around Nikita, hugging her tightly.

Hearing Nikita whisper, "We're family, and we always will be," made her choke up again, and she held onto Nikita more urgently, fisting some of her jacket in her hand. They'd gone from partners, to friends, to sisters. There was no one else in the world she treasured more than Nikita. If it weren't for her, Alex wouldn't be here. She wouldn't be the woman she is right now. She'd probably be rotting somewhere unpleasant if Nikita hadn't saved her life as a child, and then saved her again and got her cleaned up. She owed her so much. Even if people said she didn't, she felt she did in some way.

Remembering Michael, Alex reluctantly pulled away and looked Nikita in the eyes. Taking a deep breath, Alex slid her hands down Nikita's arms and then held her hand between both of her own. "Nikita, there's something you need to know. About Michael." Alex hesitated, glancing quickly at Sean before back at Nikita, whose head was tilted slightly to the side, her eyebrows furrowed. "He's dead, Nikita. Michael's dead." Alex studied her warily, expecting her to be grief stricken, shocked, something. She was just stunned, Alex realized. In disbelief. She couldn't blame her. It was hard to think that Michael's dead. It seemed wrong, somehow.

Ever since Nikita had left, her and Michael had grown close again. It'd almost been like it had in the beginning for them, when she first arrived in Division. They'd gone out on missions together, scouts, and Michael had looked over her and protected her like he used to do. It'd been nice talking to him again, bonding. She always felt like Michael had never forgiven her for shooting Nikita, for turning on her. The way he'd ignored her sometimes, overlooked her existence now and then had made it hard for her since he'd influenced her just like Nikita. Perhaps he'd influenced her too much. Something had happened between them, something she'd never tell Nikita or Sean. Something she'd always keep to herself.

He'd been withdrawn and a bit surly, the depression at losing Nikita taking over him. Alex had gotten sick of seeing him in such a bad place. She stumbled across him one night, not knowing he was in the loft. She'd thought she was alone since the others had gone out, but Michael had been there. She'd heard him crying. She had sat beside him on the cold floor, not saying anything, simply holding his hand. Without knowing why, she had leaned over and kissed him. Not passionately or eagerly, not the way she kissed Sean. She had done it gently, lovingly. It'd been a kiss of comfort, of solace. It had seemed to help. For a little while.

Shaking herself out of that memory, Alex snapped back to reality and realized Nikita was saying she had better go. Launching herself off the couch, she hurried over to Nikita and took her hands in hers, pleading for her to stay a while longer. "Please stay," she begged, not wanting to part with her yet. She knew that after this, she'd probably never see her again. Never see any of the others again.

When Nikita hugged her, Alex clung to her like a child. She wasn't ready to say goodbye. She didn't want to. "It's time, Alex. You know it is. It's time for us to go our separate ways and live. You're going to be just fine, Alex," she continued, hugging Alex again. She turned her head, placing her lips close to Alex's ear. "You have a good man who loves you. Don't forget that."

That did make Alex smile, even more when she remembered what Sean had asked her before Nikita had interrupted them. "I know," she whispered back, smiling sadly. Pulling away, Alex studied Nikita and drank in the sight of her. She wished she had a picture of her, just so she could remember her if her memory ever failed her. Closing her eyes, Alex let out a soft sigh as Nikita kissed her forehead. She leaned into the kiss, squeezing her eyes shut to hold back the tears.

Alex spun around as Nikita left, taking a few steps forward at the bittersweet smile on Nikita's face. There was a dull ache in her heart for Nikita, missing her already. She couldn't even laugh at what Nikita said to Sean about kicking his ass if he didn't take good care of her. Any other day she would've rolled her eyes and acted unamused, but been amused on the inside.

"I love you, too," Alex said, her voice low. She wasn't sure if Nikita heard her or not, but she didn't go after her to make sure. She was frozen to the spot, unable to believe this was it. They were all going their separate ways and living their own lives Division and Amanda free. She told herself she'd see Nikita again, or at least that they would write to each other now and then. They weren't completely cutting each other out of their lives.

"Hey," Sean said, bringing Alex back to life. He slipped his arms around her and hugged her against his chest, kissing the top of her head. Alex closed her eyes and wrapped her arms around Sean's back, pressing her cheek against his chest and melting against him.

She found comfort in his arms, momentarily forgetting how sad she'd been feeling only a few minutes ago. She thought back to his proposal, realizing she hadn't given him an answer. As she realized that, several thoughts buzzed around in her mind. They were free to do whatever they wanted. They didn't have to stay here in the city. Her and Sean were free to leave, free to be themselves and actually _live_. They were finally out of Division. It was never going to come back for them.

"Yes," Alex said, pulling away from Sean and looking up at him. She smiled when he looked at her confused. She even laughed a little. "What you asked me earlier?" she reminded him, arching an eyebrow at him. "If you still mean it, my answer is yes."

Alex smiled more broadly than she ever had before and so had Sean. He grabbed the side of her face in his excitement and crushed his lips against hers, kissing her deeply. "God I love you," he whispered, running his hand over her hair before picking her up, holding her in his arms. He carried her back into the bedroom, setting her down on the bed and then grabbing the box the ring was in. He took it out, holding it gingerly between his index finger and thumb. Alex extended her left hand and Sean took it, slipping the ring on her ring finger.

Taking a deep breath, Alex brought her hand to her face and gazed at the ring, biting down on her bottom lip. It was beautiful, foreign looking, and she guessed he'd discovered it over in Fallujah. Never had she imagined she'd be engaged. She'd never considered marriage because finding the right person was so hard, harder than most people thought. She was finally here, though. A ring on her finger, a handsome fiance. A handsome fiance she loved more than anything. A handsome fiance who comforted her and made her feel special.

Dropping her hand and looking at Sean, Alex reached out and placed her hand on the side of his face, pressing her lips against his. She gently encouraged his lips to part using her tongue and, grabbing a fistful of fabric of his sweatshirt, she pulled him up onto the bed with her. She lay down on her side, not breaking the kiss with Sean as she did so. Sean slipped his arm around her and pulled her closer to him. He pulled away from kissing her, running his hand down the side of her face and then tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. He was glad to see her so happy, his heart unable to tolerate it when she was in pain or sadness, though seeing her that way only added to his love for her. "So," he started, cupping the the side of her jaw and brushing his thumb along her jawline. "You feel like running away with me?" he asked, grinning at her.

Sean played with her hair, loving how curly it was. He just loved her hair, period. He loved running his fingers through it, playing with it, twisting it around his fingers. Alex loved it even more when he played with her hair. It always gave her a warm sensation, a fluttering in her stomach and around her heart. "I think I'm okay with that," she said, smiling and laughing. Alex reached up and cupped the back of his neck, leaning up to kiss him. "No more talking," she whispered, and rolled them over, covering his mouth with hers and kissing him. She wanted to celebrate.


	10. Ending

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: **Sigh, yet another ending! Once again, I'm sad I've finished this fic, BUT - I've got Safe & Sound to work on AND another AU series, a continuance to this one. So watch out for that.

Again, I apologize this is so short. I wish I could write really long fics, but I'm tired at the moment and not feeling well, so this is it. I really hope you guys like this. I just want to say I've loved and appreciated all the feedback from you! It means_ the world_ to me. Salex fans are the best and I hate that we got screwed over. Sean and Alex should've been endgame.

* * *

Everything was settled. A few days after Nikita left and when Alex had accepted Sean's proposal, they made plans to leave the city. Leave the States, actually. They didn't talk about marrying yet, but they were both ready to get the hell out of here and go somewhere new where no one knew them. They'd gotten on the internet and researched dozens of places – Colombia, Argentina, Aruba, China, Brazil, Greece, Morocco – but Alex wanted to go somewhere relatively small but abundant with places to go, trails to run along, things to do. It took a few days to actually decide, but they finally agreed on a place.

As the time to leave soon approached, Alex began to worry and question herself. She never questioned her relationship with Sean, not exactly. She loved him and wanted to be with him, but a part of her wondered why he was choosing her. She'd always wondered that, to be honest. Out of everyone he'd ever met, why was she the one he chose? There were so many other and more suitable women out there, and at that thought she grew jealous trying to imagine Sean with someone else.

Noticing Alex's preoccupation with something, Sean took a seat on the edge of the coffee table, sitting in front of Alex. He placed his hand on her knee, getting her attention. She snapped out of her reverie and looked up at him. "What's going on with you?" he asked, tilting his head to the side.

Sighing heavily, she slowly shook her head and looked back down. She was quiet for a long time, but Sean remained patient and just watched her, not pushing her to answer right away. "Why me?" she finally asked, looking up at him again.

It was Sean's turn now to take a deep breath and exhale heavily, thinking over her question. "Why not you?" he began, smiling at her. "Do you remember what I told you at Birkhoff's beach house? I said there was no one else like you. I meant it. There is no one else like you, I've never met anyone like you. I know you're damaged, Alex. And I get it that those who are damaged always expect to be alone, never imagining someone could love them. You have a beautiful heart," he continued, reaching up to stroke her cheek. "You're kind and caring and smart. And you kick ass. You've been used and manipulated. You've given your love to people who have betrayed you and hurt you, who abandoned you. I understand why you had such a hard time saying I love you. You're afraid whoever you say it to you'll lose. You said it to Nikita and then she left."

"I know when I told you I loved you that I made the wrong decision by leaving. It wasn't smart and it wasn't fair. You didn't deserve that. I was a jerk, I know." Alex began to shake her head, but Sean stopped her. "I love you because you give your heart to people, and even though on occasion you get hurt, you're still an innately kind person. I love you for that. I want to be the one to make you happy, Alex. More than anything because you make me happy."

"When I was first at Division, I was closed off," he continued. "I had my wall up, distancing myself from people just like you were. We were alike. We both were guarding our hearts, afraid to fall in love and have something good happen to us. Ever so slowly, though, you brought my walls down and I saw yours come down, too. I was finally able to feel something."

"I felt something with you, too, Sean." Alex said, her eyes misty. "I do. I still do. And you do make me happy. So much happier than I have been in a long, long time. I'm just afraid of losing you."

Sean reached out and cupped her cheek as he said, "You're not gonna lose me. I promise. I'll always be here," and then leaned in and kissed her. He slowly moved, sitting beside her on the couch and not breaking the kiss as he did so. She reached up and placed her hand on the side of his face, gripping him as she deepened the kiss.

After several moments, Alex pulled away and leaned forward, resting her head on Sean's chest. He wrapped his arms around her and leaned back against the couch, holding her in his arms. Smiling, he dipped his head to kiss the top of hers and then ran his fingers through her hair. She needed this so badly, to be held and feel affection. She'd been lacking it for so long, depriving herself of it. Having Sean back was a relief to her, not having to worry about him anymore. Not having to worry where he was, what he's doing, how he is, etc. Feeling him against her and having his strong arms around her gave her strength.

* * *

When the day came for them to leave, Alex packed only what she really wanted or needed. She didn't want to take everything with her, not wanting to have reminders of this life with her. Anything that made her think of Division she didn't pack. She stared at the gun in her hand, trying to decide if she should take it. She scrapped that idea, realizing she wouldn't get past the metal detectors in the airport if she brought it along. She'd dump it.

Once they were finished packing, Sean took the bags out to the car, storing them in the trunk of the cab he'd called. He went back upstairs to join Alex, looking over the apartment to make sure they'd packed everything. When he was satisfied, he went and joined Alex in the living room. He watched her, a little smile on his face as she turned around in a circle, examining and bidding farewell to everything. "Gonna miss this place?" he asked her, his arms crossed over his chest.

"Kinda, yeah," she admitted. This had been her refuge from Division. The one place she'd been able to feel normal, something she hadn't been in a very, very long time. And being normal was something that had Sean curious. She'd once had a normal life, loving parents – could Alex be normal again? He thought so. There was always hope, even if it didn't seem like there was. "But this isn't home," she added, looking up at him and smiling. She walked over to him, standing in front of him. "Home is wherever your loved one is."

Sean studied her as he looked down at her, slowly smiling at her words. He was quit for several moments, just admiring how the sun shone on her, brightening her hair and eyes. "M home's with you," he finally said. He reached out and wrapped his arm around her, pulling her in for a hug.

Stepping forward, she lifted her hands and placed them flat on his chest as she leaned against her, turning her head and resting her cheek against his chest, right above her hands. The idea of living a normal life did scare her, but living it with Sean made it seem less scarier, more nerve-wracking now especially considering she'd soon be his wife and he'd be her husband. Husband and wife. And then they'd be parents. And grandparents, and – she stopped herself, getting way, way ahead and looking too far into the future. The idea of being a mom did sound nice if not slightly weird.

"Ready?" she heard Sean ask her, and she pulled away and looked up at him, nodding. "Let's go then," he added, keeping his arm around her as they walked side by side to the door. Sean gave the apartment one last look, feeling sad just like she had. Only slightly, though. He hadn't spent much time here and besides, he tried not to become emotionally attached to places. He'd learned that all his years in the SEALs. Not being a SEAL anymore would be weird, but he was happy to finally give it up. It felt like the right time.

* * *

"So, we're gonna have to catch two flights," Sean explained. "We fly to London and then we get a flight in London to the Island. And then we have to take a ferry to get there. It's about three or four days' worth of traveling. You up for it?" he asked, turning to Alex as she got her passport out.

"Oh, yeah," she answered, looking up at Sean as they stood in to get on the flight to London. "I'm ready to leave this place behind," she added, a hint of sadness in her tone. She thought back to her goodbyes with Ryan, Birkhoff and Sonya, none of them seeming surprised by engagement news and the fact that they were leaving just like Nikita and Owen – a pairing Alex was still surprised about. She'd miss the people here, but not the actual city or state. She had a feeling they'd all eventually meet again someday soon.

Sean grinned at Alex, stepping forward when it was their turn. Sean handed his boarding pass to the attendant, stepping forward and then waiting for Alex as the attendant checked her pass. Once she was cleared, Alex fell in line beside Sean, walking down the hallway leading to the plane.

They put their bags away, getting settled into their seats as everyone else did. Several minutes passed and soon the plane was filled to the brim. Out of habit, Alex glanced around and studied everyone, taking in little details here and there. Like how one young guy nervously tapped his foot against the floor. A young girl chewing her nails, a little boy, playing a game on his nintendo, an older woman reading some book. Someone was already requesting a drink to calm their nerves and Alex surmised he was a nervous flier.

When the flight attendant announced they'd be taking off soon and advised everyone to buckle up, Alex did just that. She zoned out as the attendants went on to display proper plane etiquette, already familiar with it. Sean zoned out, too, spending the time gazing at Alex. When the attendants finally shut up and the plane began to move forward on the tarmac, Alex let out a sigh of relief. She clutched the arms of her seat as the plane began to lift off. It was similar to being in an elevator, she thought. She felt empty in the pit of her stomach, then as they leveled out she sighed in relief and looked out the window.

"Guernsey here we come," she said, grinning. She stared out the window a while longer, studying the cotton texture of the clouds and seeing if the clouds formed any sort of shape – like a dog or a shoe, anything like when people played that game, trying to discern a shape among the clouds – before she finally turned to look at Sean.

Their gazes met and they smiled at one another. "To the start of something new," he toasted, reaching out and lacing their hands together. He brought her hand up to his mouth, kissing it before placing it back down between them. Smiling, Alex shifted in her seat and rested her head on Sean's shoulder. At first she was afraid to fall asleep, fearing she'd sleep through the entire flight and continue to sleep after they landed. It was a bit irrational, but she feared the possibility nonetheless.

The warmth of Sean's body and him stroking her hand with his thumb only encouraged her to sleep, however, and she soon gave in and closed her eyes. As the time passed, Sean felt and noticed the difference in Alex's body, how she sagged and relaxed against him, trusting him to support her. With her asleep, he used the moment to admire her without any qualm, glad to witness her in such a vulnerable state. When she slept she always looked so happy and peaceful and beautiful. There were nights after they made love that he'd hold her in his arms, spending hours just gazing down at her and admiring her sleeping form. To watch someone as they slept was one of the greatest pleasures, he thought. When someone slept you got to see another side of them, a softer more human side. The side they didn't like to show the world.

To think Alexandra Udinov (soon to be Pierce) had a soft, vulnerable side. Chuckling, Sean leaned down and kissed the top of her head. He leaned his own head against his headrest, closing his eyes as the hum of the plane became his focus, the sound and vibration lulling him. Shifting in his seat, he leaned his head against Alex's, a smile on his face as they headed on their way to start a new life.


End file.
